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How not to name a game character.

2009 - 09.16

There’s different types of terrible characters names, and so many stupid categories. These are the types of stupid names as I see it.

12 Year Old Tough Guy
These are the names a young child might mistake for tough:

KillerKiller25
AceViperSnake
TerrorShooter
AwesomeWinTheBest312
LightningOfDarkness

Lazy Names
Then there’s people who don’t care about names, but the game won’t let them continue till they put text in the box:

asdfasdf
llolololol
pppppppppp

Overcomplicated “Logos”
Then there’s people who put way to much effort into what is supposed to be just a name.

..xxBARO—NESSxx..
*S*T*A*R* -I-N-V-A-D-E-R- 2000
***.,-/ Spider \-,..,-/ Man \-,..,-/ From \-,..,-/ Space \-,.***

Fantasy Names
Then there’s fantasy players who forgot that grammar itself can never be fiction. Though sometimes these are actually ‘Lazy names’ masquerading as those with thought behind them.

Elu’el’et’tix’rabal
shaleanoerealealaelical
trxpklnikrbm

Confidence Issues
Some players have confidence issues, they don’t want to be blamed for doing anything wrong, so they name their character in such a way that they’re always saying “told you so” when they screw up. That way, they never did anything wrong, the just lived up to their name. IT’S FAILPROOF. Speaking of fail:

FailAtThis
ISuckAtMyGuy
DontKnowWhatThisButtonDoes
HasNoSkill

The 5 Sins of highly defective game design.

2009 - 05.04

Games are awesome! No really, with technology going the way it is, video games are a likely precursor to the future of human society. If we ever get to a state when technology can run the world mostly without us, simulated interactive experiences would be the best way to communicate everything from philosophy to early childhood learning. Yet, despite the enormity of all this, some people still feel compelled to make bad games. Bad games are not just someone who tried and missed, they are the direct result of someone who ignored all opposition to fight for a terrible idea. They are the creation of someone who should have known better, but for the following reasons, did not.

5. Not allowing people to play the game after they buy it.

This might sound silly but it’s true. Sometimes, you buy a game and then they don’t let you play it! In efforts to prevent piracy, game companies will put all sorts of locks and controls in their game. They add a series of hoops the user has to jump through, with passwords, online authentication, disc checking, serial numbers, etc… The problem is, that much like a car, the lock only prevent it from being stolen the first time, after that, the theives can remove the lock or make their own keys. Unlike cars, they only need to steal one copy, after that they can make all the copies they want. Then you have your paying customers having trouble playing the game because their serial number is missing a digit or the authentication servers crashed and the only people playing the game are the ones who stole it. Good job game companies! Good job!

"Put the game down, and show me your reciept! Ok, what's your serial number? You wait here I'm going to go check this out and make sure you're telling the truth."

"Put the game down, and show me your reciept! Ok, what's your serial number? You wait here I'm going to go check this out and make sure you're telling me the truth."

4. Copying the market without innovation or spirit.

This might sound obvious, but it’s still very common. Let’s say you’re a designer or an executive at a game company, and you are creating ideas for the next game your company will make. You could look at existing games and all the games that made money. Then take ideas from all of them, and create a game about a tough soldier who is tough and smokes cigars and blows up buildings while saying cool things and drives a hovercraft with a machine gun in the future with aliens who have flamethrowers. It could have realistic physics and photorealistic graphics and big hollywood voice actors! WOW! Sadly, that sort of idea is common and will probably end up in a bargin bin. Everyone wants to make the next big shooter or the next big racing game, but they only end up copying all the others.

Games like Half-Life and The Sims are successful because of their innovation and the refined game design experience. A Copy of The Sims or Half-Life won’t be that same success because people already have The Sims and are smart enough not to buy a second rate knockoff! For every good game that is sold, there’s 20 just like it that no one wants.

Because the first two mall tycoon games were just so close to gaming perfection!

Because the first two mall tycoon games were just so close to gaming perfection!

3. Assuming everyone but you is stupid and making games fit for toddlers.

Children’s games are not a huge market. Young kids all want to play the games the older kids are playing. So why are so many games still designed assuming the players are three years old? Spore would have been a fantastic game were it not designed with the gameplay difficulty of a kindergarten lunchtime game. The game designers spoke of choosing a game for the masses rather some elite few they assumed that only they were a part of. Forgetting that the game playing masses learned how to play ‘Simon says’ when they were 3 and then spent another 20 years outgrowing that. Over the years, games have been getting both simpler and easier to compensate for the larger audience they’re trying to attract, but they forget that the difficulty curve is called a curve for a reason. And that while an easier start to a game will attract more players, they’ll get bored fast if the game doesn’t get more interesting from there.

Yeah, the game is still awesome though, I mean, look at that!

On a more serious note, despite the problems with the gameplay in spore, the game is still awesome, I mean, look at that! Someone made that!

2. Pretending the past 20 years never happened.

Sometimes people sit down and say “We need to make a game for this movie about a fast-talking stockbroker! How about a 2D platform shooter where you shoot at aliens!” There have been a number of advances in how games are designed and played, and every now and then a game comes along that forgets about all that. Deciding to simply apply their game concept to simple game templates that were established in the 80′s. There’s nothing wrong with the way things were done, but many game designers don’t choose to use an old style, it’s all they know. At the same time, you have people who think like this, and then they notice the state of modern video game graphics, and it looks so amazing to them, they sort of forget there needs to be anything more then graphics and polycounts.

Because it's hard to come up with ideas for what superman could do in a game!

Because it's hard to come up with ideas for what superman could do in a game!

1. Forgetting to play the game after you make it.

You would think that after you make a game, you would try playing it to see if it’s fun and if it has any problems. Sometimes I get the feeling that some game designers skip that step. When a game requires you play a 20-minute tutorial each time you start the game over, you really don’t want to play that game more then once. Black & White is an amazing game, but it forces me to spend at least 10 minutes learning the camera and mouse controls, even if I already know them! Is it that hard to put in an “I already know how to click on stuff let me play the game now!” Button? When a game requires you to watch a 4 minute cutscene before a really hard boss fight, and each time you die you have to watch the unskippable cutscene over and over, you get the feeling the game designers didn’t try to play the game after they made it. Some games are just no fun to play. You would think they would have caught those early on too! Some games don’t even run, and have massive bugs that prevent you from playing them, again, something they would have found if they actually played it after they made it. Game designers often say, perhaps jokingly, “We hope you have as much fun playing our game as we had making it!” The sad truth in that statement is that some game designers have a a lot of fun making something, but they don’t save any of the fun for the person playing it.

Because that last paragraph is more important than all the other rules, I’ll sum it up again, Game designers take heed: Step 1, make game. Step 2, play game. Step 3, if game is not perfect, go back to step 1. I understand that a lot of large companies are under financial pressure to release on schedule and that you don’t want to spend forever on a stagnant project. But that’s no excuse to break the rules mentioned above, you know, unless you want to make bad games!

This. If you see this, the game is not done yet.

This. If you see this, the game is not done yet.

The future of buying movies: DVD, Blu-Ray, and Video On-Demand

2008 - 12.22

There’s been a lot of talk lately about about whether or not Blu-Ray will ever overtake, or even really compete with DVD sales. Some suggest that Blu-Ray will be forgotten and that streaming media will be the format of the future. Assuming anyone even wants High Definition.

The Playstation 3! They might make some games for it someday too!

Right now DVDs are very popular, having replaced VHS. The advantages were clear, and the cost, size, and increased storage capacity meant that people could not only own movies at home, but entire TV shows as well. This DVD party went on for a long time and fun was had by all. Now people can buy a TV that is capable of showing higher quality images than DVDs can provide. Which leaves consumers two decisions: Do I buy the more expensive TV for the higher quality picture? And do I go and pay extra for HD content? Many people do not, in fact, do either of those. I’ve heard only 10% of people own an HD capable TV. And of the people I know who have HDTVs, very few have anything more than a DVD player.

Hold up a 24 television episodes on 11 VHS tapes and hold up a small DVD case that holds 24 episodes on 5 DVDs and anyone can point out a difference. But if you compare HD and SD, most people can’t see the difference. I’m normally the one who is all upset when people are watching a 4×3 picture stretched to fill a 16×9 screen (“Sorry if I’m the only one who can tell HIS HEAD IS TWICE AS WIDE AS IT SHOULD BE!”) But the simple truth is that to many people, HD is exactly the same.

Apple TV, Just like iTunes, but for $350 more!

To me, HD is not the same, it looks a lot better. I got myself a PS3 and I would much rather buy movies and TV shows on Blu-Ray than DVD if given the option. I buy a lot of movies and TV shows, but if I’m the only one doing it, I doubt I alone can lead Blu-Ray on to financial success. I mean, some people really liked beta-max, HD DVD, Orbitz drinks, and pogs. And you don’t see a lot of those around anymore. I suspect that HD will always be a smaller market. Because there are people living in the ass end of nowhere that just got themselves DVD players for their TVs who probably think “HD” is someones cousin and a “Blu-Ray” is something in the ocean that can sting you. For many people DVDs actually improved everything by making movies and TV shows more accessible. Whereas Blu-Ray lets them see the actor’s acne better if they walk up to the screen.

I know I know, that remote has way too many buttons!

Blu-Ray players are expensive, like $400 on average. Then there’s the cost of the discs. MP3′s bought online are quickly replacing CDs sold in stores. So why not the same for movies? When you can download a movie or watch it online, why would people shell out the money for expensive players and discs? I’ll tell you why! Remember the guy living in the ass end of nowhere? Let’s say they know what HD is and they want it. They could go buy a Blu-Ray player, and rent the discs from netflix or the local rental store. Or they could go the VOD route, and choose between iTunes, Netflix Instant viewing, Amazon Unbox, Hulu, Vudu, AT&T U-Verse, Time Warner On-Demand, XBOX Live Marketplace, Playstation Store, Joost, Verizon FiOS, etc… And people thought HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray was scary! There’s a lot someone would need to know about those services. Do they have a lot of movies? or only some? Do they have TV show episodes? Do they have HD content? is all of it available in HD? Do I need to buy special hardware? Do I pay per movie? per month? What kind of DRM does it have? Do I have to watch it on my computer or can I connect it to my TV? If I picked a service that goes out of business do I get to keep the movies I paid for? Let’s say the guy in the ass end of nowhere decides on one of the many On-Demand services above, it probably wouldn’t work over dial-up. They quite simply don’t offer broadband internet in many areas yet.

WTF is this thing?

If I buy a Blu-Ray disc. I’m getting up to 50 gigabytes of information. I don’t want to buy the hard drives it would take to store that much data, and I don’t want to have to use an internet connection each time i want to watch a movie. The internet can be unreliable and/or slow. So for me Blu-Ray is the clear option. For most people, DVDs are the only think that matters, and everything else is a niche market. I would predict that On-Demand will one day win out, but it’s going to take a lot longer then most people think as it will require technology where downloading and storing 50 GB files was as nonchalant as downloading an MP3. And until that happens there will be plenty of business for Blu-Ray.

But by then of course, maybe everyone will just be pirating everything because of all the DRM anyway.

Are gamers stupider than pavlov’s dog?

2008 - 08.15

The videogame industry is training us to steal from them, allow me to explain:

I’ve heard bioshock was a really good game, so got it earlier today. I would say I can’t wait to try it, but I actually have to. After I got the game I found out it requires an internet connection to “activate” the game. Additionally, you can only install the game twice, if you reformat your computer, change hardware, or get a new computer more than once, you could be forced to buy the game again in order to play it. Ok, I’m lucky enough to have an internet connection, and I figure I can deal with the activation system, so try to install the game. After 20 minutes it tries to download a patch, fails, and deletes the game that just took 20 minutes to install. As it turns out, the activation server is down, meaning I cannot install the game till it comes back up. The game I bought. In a store.

What if, instead of spending money to get the game, I had illegally downloaded the game, along with a crack for the copy protection. I would be playing the game right now. This isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened. I’ve had to jump through all sorts of hoops to install software. Command and Conquer: the First decade collection requires you enter 7 different 20 digit serial codes to activate all the games. Half-life 2 requires that your computer decrypt data after installing it, a mathmatical process which makes the installation for the game take over 6 hours, you also have to connect to the internet every time you want to start the game. UFO: Aftershock, as well as many other games, install “Starforce” a form of copy protection that crashes computers even when the game is not being used and can allegedly cause physical damage to a computer’s cd-rom drive. Uplink requires that you type in special codes that are provided on a black piece of paper, printed in black letters. You have to catch it in the light just right to read it.

And what about the pirated versions of these programs? The pirated versions require no decrytion, they don’t install any copy protection software, you don’t have to connect to the internet to use them, and you don’t even have to put a CD in the computer to play the game. You can run them all from your hard drive. What service! I’de almost pay extra for that, no wait, I paid for the broken versions, the good versions are free?

I understand why the publishers and game companies do this, they are afraid people will download and copy the games instead of buying them. It would seem to make sense that you should take steps to protect things you make. But what many companies seem to not notice, is that putting these hassles and roadblocks in the retail versions of the game punishes only the people who buy them. It only takes one clever programmer to make a working pirated version of any software, and then the only people who are punished are those who don’t steal the game.

Buy the game and it doesn’t work. Steal the game and it works. Buy the game and the game takes 8 hours to install. Steal the game and it doesn’t need to install, it works instantly without the CD. Would pavlov’s dog keep buying games like many of us still do? I plan to keep buying the games, but if it doesn’t work after I do. I could always play a pirated version instead. Eventually one of two things will happen. They’ll stop breaking my games, or I’ll learn to stop paying for them.